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  • September 2016
    M T W T F S S
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    Noah’s Ark

    [wpgpo_plusone] MEDIA ADVISORY, June 29 /Christian Newswire/ –Led by explorer, adventurer, and featured Worldview Weekend speaker Dr. Bob Cornuke, a fourteen man crew returned in middle of June from Iran bearing stunning evidence that theirs is the long-anticipated even coveted discovery of the remains of Noah’s Ark. Bob’s team consisted of a Who’s Who of business, law, and ministry leaders including Barry Rand (former CEO of Avis), the author and Christian apologist Josh McDowell, Frank Turek, Boone Powell (former CEO of Baylor Medical Systems), and Arch Bonnema (president of Joshua Financial).

    The unusual object is perched on a slope 13,120 feet above sea level. After studying the discovery site, Bonnema observed, “These beams not only look like petrified wood, they are so impressive that they look like real wood—this is an amazing discovery that may be the oldest shipwreck in recorded history.”
    Yadda yadda yadda
    I posted this several years ago I think, actually forgot about posting it, couple of my good friends reminded me of that and asked me to repost the post….So here goes

    I got a email from a guy who was upset because I was making fun of Noah’s Ark.
    He said:
    Dear bigdaddycc,
    It has been calculated that had all the animals at that time fit on the ark, only 40% of it would have been filled. Noah could have easily taken only the young creatures (neither babes or Adolescent, but youth–no longer needing mother’s milk). There are very many statistics…and I have even read many books on this subject. It’s been thoroughly researched….the amount of species during Noah’s time was not near what it is today. I suggest you do a search for these statistics….and although I don’t agree with Answers in Genesis opinions toward Ron Wyatt, they have some good statistics about how many animals could fit in the Ark and yet with plenty of room for Noah and his family to live. Their basing these calculations around a traditional cubit (450 foot Ark). Imagine how many more animals could fit had they gotten the cubit of that time right (515 feet)! Also, God is all powerful, all mighty, and He can do anything. When you say that God can’t fit all the animals in the boat, and protect them, and keep the boat afloat, you are limiting God. If you are saying that you cannot take the Bible 100% literal, then guess what, that would be calling God a liar…because he’s allowing millions of people the globe over fall for this “mythological garbage”.

    Genesis 6:14-15
    Make thee an ark of gopher wood; 6 rooms shalt though make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. – The Holy Bible, King James Version
    Ok, God gave us the schematics and this Jesus freak gave us the correct measurement of an Egyptian “cubic” so let’s see what Noah the drunk built out of Gopher wood.

    If one cubit is 515 feet and Noah built the ark 300 cubits long that would mean the ark was 29.261 miles long.

    If one cubit is 515 feet and Noah built the ark 50 cubits wide that would mean the ark was 4.87 miles wide.

    If one cubit is 515 feet and Noah built the ark 30 cubits tall that would mean the ark Noah built was 2.9 miles high.

    Let me help you put this in perspective.

    The tallest building on the earth is Taipei 101, in Taipei, Taiwan and is only 1670 feet high. Noah’s ark, constructed entirely out of gopher wood is just short of ten times the height of that.
    Mount Everest is 29,035 feet high or roughly 5.49 miles high. Noah’s gopher wood monstrosity would have been almost 2/3’s the height of Mount Everest.
    Built entirely out of gopher wood. Did I mention that?
    The Island of Manhattan is only 13.4 miles long.
    Just keep going. Noah’s ark was 15 miles longer than that. The widest point on Manhattan Island measures about 2.3 miles. Again, just keep going. Noah’s ark was double that with some to spare.
    And people are looking for Noah’s ark? How can you miss it? It didn’t come to rest anywhere. My money bets that monstrosity never left the ground. It is exactly wherever Noah built that sumofvabitch.
    How could it have rested on Mount Ararat? It probably is Mount Ararat if you believe this guys numbers. Mount Ararat is 16,945 feet high, that is 3.2 miles high. Add a little snow and ice to pad those numbers that is roughly the same god damn height of Noah’s ark.
    Built entirely out of gopher wood.

    By this time I am sure that whatever Noah built would have had to have petrified by now. Ladies and gentlemen I think we have found our ark.
    Besides, if Mount Ararat was the place where Noah’s unfeasibly large monstrosity came to rest, at the time Mount Ararat would’ve been about 1495 feet high at the time and that means, minus the snow, everything above that would be all Noah and his big ass boat.

    A boat he built with his bare hands, his three son’s bare hands and evidently all of the gopher wood that could’ve possibly existed on the earth at that time. I don’t think I am going out on a limb here to say that this gopher wood must’ve been the cornerstone of human civilization back then.

    To say humanity had this gopher wood stuff just laying around in abundance is stating the obvious would be, well, stating the obvious. Flood can wipe out a lot of things but it can’t wipe out everything. I challenge Christian archeologist to find tombs with this gopher wood stuff in them because obviously that stuff can stand up to the test of time.
    Hell it’s still sitting on top of Mount Ararat right? And it’s been exposed to the elements at least for the past 75,000 years. Imagine what condition it would be if you had sense enough to bury someone in it?
    Who needs Tupperware, Rubbermaid or super strong corrugated plastic? I am going to build my new house, my new car and when I get old, my new set of teeth in this gopher wood stuff.
    So when these Christian scientists say that they are looking for some abnormality on some mountain peak to find the ark, I am thinking, “why are you wasting your time, Mount Ararat is the friggin Ark.”
    It’s been right in front of your noses all of this time. Collecting snow, blocking out the sun, giving off noxious fumes, masquerading as a volcanic mountain with a snow capped cone.
    Now I think I understand where the story of the flood came from. Besides the fact that Sumerian mythology tells a story of an arc and flooding of the world that predates the Noah story by several thousands of years but that is beside the point.
    Now it all makes sense.
    Noah caused the flood not God.
    And when the people were telling Noah not to build the Ark it wasn’t because they didn’t believe in God, it was because Noah used up every damn piece of Gopher tree as far as the eye could see to build this mountainous eyesore. Besides, if he ever managed it get that thing in the black sea, red sea, hell any sea, Noah didn’t seem to have any clue what the law of displacement would do to everything and everyone around him.
    When you get in the bathtub that already has water in it, what happens?
    Water rises. Good. And if the water was already too close to the edge of the tub when you climb in what will happen to the water that gets displaced when your body gets in?

    That’s right. It will flood your bathroom.

    Somehow, Noah got his 29 mile long, nearly 5 mile wide and 3 mile high ark to slide off the banks of whatever and into the black sea and the black sea went the only place it could go…all over everyone else.

    It was pandemonium. It was total chaos. It was just like at Patong Bay just before the tsunami came ashore and the people were walking around conversing about where all the water went and kids were playing with the fish they saw flopping around on the beach. I am sure at first people were in total awe that Noah actually could get that thing into the water but it sure didn’t take long before all of that water came on shore and just washed everyone and everything that lived in that valley away.

    Just like drunk ass Noah said it would.

    The 40 days and 40 nights was probably just how long it took all of that water to cover everything and the 150 days was how long it took to recede back where it came from. Noah figured that the ark must’ve come to rest on a mountain or something because he didn’t recognize the landscape anymore after the water eventually receded, no doubt because of all the soil erosion that took place after he uprooted about eleventybillion gopher trees in the area to build that three mile high abomination.

    Do you realize that at 2 miles above sea level you already lose a quarter of the earth’s atmosphere? He built his ark almost a full mile higher than that?

    Do you have any idea how they were able to breathe that high above sea level and still nail stuff together on their Gopher wood ladders?

    Not to mention how they managed to not freeze to death while they were doing all of that nailing?

    See Jesus freaks always want to toss around scientific sounding terms like there is scientific research being done out there that is being ignored just because it is proving the Bible to be factual
    That couldn’t be further from the truth.

    There’s no scientific research being done by Christian scientists’ period. Sure there are scientists that happen to be Christian, as there are scientists of all faiths, but they are no scientists out there going to put their careers behind proving crap like this.

    And that is what they so desperately want.

    So one of them gets this idea that they can deflect criticism of this obvious myth by saying that we miscalculated the actual size of the “cubit” Noah used, therefore making the ark some unimaginably monstrous scarecrow to frighten off anyone that would dare to “look at it through scientific lenses”.

    Nice try.

    And what is up with this gopher wood? I even looked that up and Christians don’t even know what the hell that is. The best they could come up with was that gopher wood was the best thing that King James could come up with.
    So then they go on to say that maybe it was cypress or pine, cedar, fir, ebony, or wicker wood…and then they got smart.

    One place I was reading suggested that since so many things fell out of existence after the flood, maybe gopher wood was a tree that existed before the flood but then just disappeared after the waters receded after Noah’s ark settled on Mount Ararat.

    But how did trees and fish die out during the flood? Noah had an aquarium on that bitch too? Why would a fish drown in a rain storm?

    Let me rephrase that.
    How could a fish drown in a rainstorm and not Noah?

    Oh yeah, the ark had a ceiling to protect Noah. The poor fish had nothing to shelter them from the huge rain droplets which must’ve rained down upon them like stones regardless of how deep they swam to avoid them.

    Poor Nemo.

    But what about the trees? Even if it killed all the existing trees surely seeds wouldn’t have drowned. I am sure seeds would have still been good after 6 months.

    Once the water receded then why wouldn’t the seeds have sprouted and grown into more Gopher trees? Particularly since they must’ve been literally all over the friggin place since Noah didn’t have any trouble finding enough of them to build an ark significantly larger than the island of Manhattan.
    Well so much for “the flood destroyed the Gopher tree” theory.

    See that is the difference between science and Jesus freaks who claim to be scientific. A scientist comes up with a theory and tries to find every possible way to disprove his theory before he claims it to be fact.
    The Jesus freak’s brain isn’t wired that way. He tries everything in his power to try to prove it to be true and just dismisses anything that might suggest otherwise.

    That is what faith is all about isn’t it?

    Believing in 29 mile long, 5 mile wide, 3 mile high arks made of gopher wood, filled with…hold on let me get my King James version Bible so I can quote this correctly,

    Gen 6:19-22
    …two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of Fowls after their kind, and cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be food for thee, and for them. Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

    Let’s not even talk about what they did with 7 months worth of feces and urine from two of every living creature on the planet.

    For the record, I am not calling God anything. God and the Bible are not connected. Religion and myth are created by man, not God. And some people use religion to find God and better themselves while some people use religion to do a great number of evil things. God is neither responsible for the good or the bad that is done in the name of religion or the fervent belief in myth and superstition. It is up to each and every one of us to make the choices that will govern our lives and to learn from the consequences of those choices.
    Ok, no problem. It’s okay to disagree. But let’s just look at things from scientific lenses…..you might find it rather fascinating to look into the data and results of a lot of the excavations….don’t forget to see the video clips at exoduscase.com about the new series coming out….it will discuss the same site Ron found the gold gilded chariot wheel and several other coral encrusted chariot wheels.
    There’s so much out there! You don’t have to believe in the Jehovah God if you choose not to, but at least look at the data from scientific lenses and ask, “could there be more literal things to the Biblical narrative than we had supposed based on the archaeological data?” Its data that speaks for itself, then it is for us to decide and evaluate our beliefs and opinions after we have analyzed the data. :)

    Loose Booty Britches (Old Post)

    [wpgpo_plusone] Unlike a lot of folks my age I don’t really give a shit about those young mofos that wear their pants falling off their asses. It don’t bother me one way or the other, as long as the mofo don’t step on my porch coming to see my daughter dressed like that I don’t have a problem with it. It looks stupid to me, and funny, I saw this mofo running and his pants fell all the way down and tripped his ass, now that was funny. If there is the possibility of that happening again and I get a chance to see it I would welcome it. I would just laugh my ass off.
    Now I have spoke on this before but when I was sick and had lost a bunch of weight my britches involuntarily started sagging on my ass. As I may have mentioned before I was coming out the supermarket and had bags in both my hands and my pants started sliding down. I was concerned that they were gonna fall all the way down but something unexpected happened. I got this massive hard on, and it was enough to hold my pants up till I got to my car. I think the idea of my britches falling off me in broad daylight in public was sort of a turn on and got me excited. At that moment I wondered if that’s why the young dudes wore their pants like that.
    But in any case I soon gained the weight that I had lost back, which was unfortunate and didn’t have the saggy pants syndrome any more. Hell my waist was so big all my pants were too tight and when I buttoned them up I damn near needed a pair of scissors to cut them off. I wear a uniform here at the gig and the pants to the uniform was getting so tight that I removed the buttons on them and sewed them back a little to give me a little extra room, and I still was unbuttoning them when I sat down.
    But I got on this diet I spoke about before and I started dropping inches. I was making my rounds earlier with a pair of those pants I altered and about half way into the round my pants started falling. I carry a clipboard and a handheld computer so my hands were full so I kept going. I could feel the pants had fallen down around the middle of my ass, but I didn’t pull them up. Had I not had my shirt tail out of my pants you coulda saw the crack of my ass. And like before I started getting a hard on.
    Now if that’s happening to all the dudes that allow their pants to sag, I can fully understand why they do it. I might think its stupid, but I do understand.

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    God and Fake Titties

    [wpgpo_plusone] You know every now and again me and God have these conversations. Most of the times he doesn’t answer me directly but kinda gives me signs that he is listening. But you really have to pay attention to hear what he is saying or trying to say. Like for instance say you on the commode and you talking to God and you say “God do you think you could let me win the lotto tonight?”

    Then all of sudden your stomach cramps up and you have trouble dropping that next loaf, you can be pretty sure he is saying no. See those the kind of signs God gives. If I was a chick and I asked God the same question and he answered by burning my bush, well that would indeed be a sign. hahahahahahahaha (oh I just tickle myself)

    But sometimes, well actually a lot of the times he don’t send a sign, I just figure that whatever I think he would say is what he would say, he just puts the answer in my head. Like for instance.

    I was looking at some titties the other day, one of my favorite leisurely past times. If I could I would work at a lingerie store, but I know them mofos would probably fire my ass after a day or so. But anyway I was looking at titties. I have places I go where there are more titties per capita than any place else in Houston. Now I used to go to these places to admire and gawk at titties with a certain naivety, but since some of you female readers to my blogs have implied that a lot of the titties I was seeing were in actuality silicone implants, now when I look at titties that are pretty nice looking, you know don’t have that droop factor, I wonder if they are real.

    (Why do titties droop? Is it because of excessive sucking? Have I personally contributed to the increase of droopy titties because of my predilection to titty sucking? Is titty sucking conducive to the loss of muscle mass? Hmmmm another question I will have to ask the “Big Kahuna.”)

    But anyway…….

    I wondered what God thinks about fake titties. So I asked him.

    Now when I asked him this I was in the middle of watching “Girls Gone Wild: The Perfect Pair,” you know for purely educational purposes, but I got to wondering how many of the titties that I was seeing were fake. At first I didn’t get an answer in the form of a sign. I just figured God was as busy as I was admiring his handiwork.

    I could understand that, I once painted a picture of a couple of chairs and a vase of flowers, won first prize in this art contest, and at times I would just stand there and admire my handiwork. So yeah I could see God wanting to admire some of the near perfect titties I was seeing or rather we were seeing. But then all of a sudden there came on the TV screen a chick with for me was a near perfect set of hooters that I knew had to be fake, mainly because of their lack of any downward droop whatsoever and the nipples looked painted on, but I still thought they were lovely.

    I even paused the DVD player so I could just admire them for minute, and at that particular moment, I just happened to look out the window that was behind the TV and I saw a couple of humming birds doing whatever humming birds do to the exceedingly beautiful flowers on the hibiscus tree, and I heard some other birds singing, even heard a baby laugh, smelled a little cinnamon in the air and I just knew those were signs from God.

    Signs from God, who was saying in his own singular way, “Them there are some nice Baby Biscuits, even if I didn’t make them from scratch.” And it was then I got my answer, God had spoken to me and he was saying, “Ain’t anything wrong with some fake Chesticles.”

    Please pray for me.

    September 2016
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